


it's the same dark coming (oh, fuck it all then)

by platonics



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bonding, Conversations about Death, Crying, Developing Relationship, Emotional Baggage, Friends to Lovers, Gentleness, Grief/Mourning, Holidays, Nonbinary Shinguji Korekiyo, Other, Parent Death, Ultimate Talent Development Plan (Dangan Ronpa)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-19 12:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22710751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/platonics/pseuds/platonics
Summary: “Everyone must face it eventually, of course, in their own way, but...For many who have not reached that point for themselves, it’s distressing to think about. To see peers grappling with issues of mortality is to realize you must do the same someday. They avoid that which makes them uncomfortable. It isn’t the most compassionate approach, but I do not believe it’s intentionally malicious, for whatever that’s worth to you.”Himiko and Korekiyo talk about death.
Relationships: Shinguji Korekiyo/Yumeno Himiko
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	it's the same dark coming (oh, fuck it all then)

**Author's Note:**

> alternate title: in which emi projects onto himiko harder than ever before
> 
> in all seriousness tho, this is a vent fic bc Sometimes u just need to process your feelings. a lot of the content is based on my personal experience (including the date) so uh pls keep that in mind and be gentle with me
> 
> also it's weird to go back to my usual song lyric titles when i've been so boring for all of femslash feb but yeah, title is from heft by japanese breakfast. that song (& several others from the same album) has a lot of emotional significance to me so :") good shit, check it out

“I hear you startled Akamatsu-san rather well.” Korekiyo’s voice, soft and smooth as ever, echoed too loud in the stairwell all the same. Nobody was around to hear them, but that didn’t stop Himiko from curling in on herself even more. She pulled the sleeves of her sweater over her hands and glared viciously at the chipped paint on the heating vents, like it was somehow responsible for her classmate’s appearance.

“I _know_ , okay? I’ll apologize to her later.” Well, they weren’t just a classmate. That was a lie. They were...something, treading the border between friend and partner, a blurry situation she couldn’t parse out. She wasn’t feeling particularly charitable at the moment though, so all they were right now was a pain in the ass.

Korekiyo hummed, leaning against the wall and crossing their arms. They towered over her no matter what, but right now, with them standing there and her sitting on the floor, she felt about as tall as a bug. If she looked over at them, her options would be craning her neck painfully or staring awkwardly at their legs, so she opted to do neither, staring down at her own knees instead. There was a tiny run beginning to form in her tights. She ought to buy new ones.

“I think that’s a wise decision, but I don’t wish for you to get the wrong idea. I’m not here on behalf of our classmates. I was simply concerned about you, Himiko-chan.” The affectionate form of address made her eyes prickle, her throat tighten. If they were telling the truth, which they probably were, that made her kind of an asshole for assuming they’d been sent to scold her. She ground her molars together, every synapse in her brain saying ‘don’t you dare cry.’

“I’m fine,” she grumbled, fingernails digging into her opposite forearm. 

“I know this is a difficult time for you.” _Fuck._ She choked on her own breath, tightening the grip on her arm.

“Yeah, well, I think you’re the only one. Nobody else can even manage to remember, so just...don’t bother.” Korekiyo had done nothing to deserve the venom in her tone, but it was that or crying, and she really, _really_ didn’t want to cry. Not here. Not now.

“It’s human nature to look away from death.” As they spoke, they moved to sit next to her instead. The landing wasn’t particularly large, forcing them to maneuver into a rather uncomfortable-looking position to avoid completely blocking the path of anyone who might come down the stairs. At that moment, watching them try to rearrange their lanky frame reminded her of an accordion door folding in on itself. Something about it was absurdly, inexplicably hilarious, and though she still felt close to tears, Himiko had to restrain herself from laughing.

“Mm,” she replied, the best she could do at the moment. It was enough for them to continue.

“Everyone must face it eventually, of course, in their own way, but...For many who have not reached that point for themselves, it’s distressing to think about. To see peers grappling with issues of mortality is to realize you must do the same someday. They avoid that which makes them uncomfortable. It isn’t the most compassionate approach, but I do not believe it’s intentionally malicious, for whatever that’s worth to you.”

“How hard is it to just...?” Her voice trailed off into nothing, and she waved a hand in frustration. As she did, her elbow bumped against Korekiyo’s arm. They grasped her hand gently, like a question, and she nodded, letting them hold it. “Just not put up the stupid banner or make a big deal of the whole thing?” 

She shouldn’t have snapped at Akamatsu, shouldn’t have told her to shut up or thrown the candy away. Shouldn’t have stormed out of homeroom. She knew that. She was just so frustrated, so lonely. It hurt, feeling like her emotions were totally ignored. Her voice was going all pathetic and wobbly now too, and she hated herself for it. Korekiyo didn’t comment though, just nodded sympathetically and kept holding her hand.

“Why couldn’t it just be a normal day? It’d be so much easier that way. I’m so tired of everyone _celebrating_ the worst day of my life, and I know it’s not...the whole world isn’t going to cancel a holiday just for me, but it’s just so...” The tears started falling about halfway through and she couldn’t stop them, because she was too stupid, pathetic, weak. To her own ears, her ragged breaths sounded as loud as a heavy metal concert, and she knew she wasn’t a pretty, elegant crier like some girls managed to be. She was ugly-shameful-embarrassing-awful, and falling apart like this in front of Korekiyo made her want to crawl into a hole and die. 

They gathered their arms around her, silent and gentle. Now she was crying into their mask-covered neck, and she couldn’t decide whether or not that was an improvement compared to doing so in the open.

“I just want to stop feeling this way,” she whispered. “It’s been years, and it still doesn’t stop.”

“I’m not sure it ever does,” they replied, hand tracing gentle circles against her back. “If there’s a foolproof answer, I haven’t found it yet. It’s impossible for me to know exactly how you feel, since my own loss was, as you put it, ‘just a normal day,’ but it’s this time of year for me too.” She felt them tense up, and for a moment she wasn’t sure if they’d continue, but they did. 

“My sister died four years ago next week.”

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, feeling incredibly stupid. “I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s quite alright. Just as your grief doesn’t negate mine, the same is true in reverse. It’s not in limited supply.” Himiko could almost hear the smile in their voice, gentle and sad.

In an odd way, it was almost comforting to know. The two of them, before ever meeting each other, had been suffering at almost exactly the same time, in near identical hospital rooms. Her mother, their sister. Two people who never so much as knew of each other, who probably didn’t have anything in common besides when they died, being remembered together in a grimy school stairwell.

“Yeah, I guess so,” she agreed. Her tears were starting to dry, but they were still rubbing her back, making her feel a little less like she might dissolve again.

“I did this a lot back then,” Korekiyo said. “Sneaking off and hiding in stairwells and other isolated spots. It never seemed to concern any of the people passing by.”

“Too caught up in their own problems, I guess. I did too. Not stairs so much, but there was this little sitting room for relatives, and nobody ever seemed to use it, so I’d spend a lot of time in there. It was dark, and quiet, and kinda cramped, so...it was nice. I like small spaces like that. They’re..”

“Comforting,” they finished. 

“Yeah. And warm. The rest of the hospital always felt so cold.”

“The air always did seem cold and sterile. Dry. To this day, I dislike air conditioning.” Himiko smiled, knowing that part of that dislike probably stemmed from the fact that they got cold remarkably easily to begin with.

“I don’t like apples,” she offered in return. “I barely had proper meals; mostly I ate whatever random things people brought by, and there were a lot of fruit baskets. I ate a lot of apples. It’s okay if they’re an ingredient in something, or something’s apple-flavored or whatever, just not apples by themselves.”

There was a long silence, long enough to make her feel awkward.

“I never unpacked her bag from the hospital. It’s still sitting in her room at home, untouched. As if it’s waiting for her to come back. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I can’t bring myself to do anything about it.”

“No, I get that,” Himiko said. “I don’t live in the same house I did then, ‘cause I had to move in with my dad, obviously, and um, packing up my mom’s room was like...it felt like killing her all over again.” One of her arms was awkwardly curled around Korekiyo in return, but the other hand laid curled into a loose fist against her thigh, shaking uncontrollably. Being so open about her feelings felt like someone had peeled her skin off. With anyone else, this conversation would be impossible.

“Not like either of us are home that much anyway, I guess,” she added on. Korekiyo even less than her. She wasn’t privy to all the details of their personal life, but whenever a school break approached, and with it the conversations about going home, or on vacation, or to visit relatives...It always seemed like Kiyo used that time for fieldwork.

It wasn’t something they ever volunteered information about, but Himiko knew enough to wonder. When was the last time they’d even been home? Where the hell were their parents? Each tidbit of knowledge she got about their life outside Hope’s Peak painted a picture more chilling than the last.

“That’s true,” they agreed. “It’s alright though. Sister is always with me.” They made an awkward, half-finished hand gesture, one that ended with them patting her shoulder, though it clearly wasn’t the original intention. They were probably reaching instinctively to fiddle with the locket they always wore — it seemed to be one of their rare nervous habits. 

She was still curled against them from when she’d been crying, half-leaning against their chest. It would be almost impossible to get closer than this without sitting on their lap. That would probably be comfier for her back, actually, as it was starting to ache from leaning to the side like this. The locket in question was currently digging into her shoulder blade, enough that it might bruise if she stayed here long enough.

She straightened up, putting a little distance between them and pretending she had to stretch. They would’ve been too self-conscious to ask, and she got that too. Sure enough, out of the corner of her eye, she saw exactly what she expected.

All of this was to say that she’d paid more attention to their actions than their words. ‘Sister is always with me.’ Put together, it made sense anyway, or so she believed. If the locket’s nature was what she thought, she had a similar one, guiltily closed up in a drawer and never worn. That kind of thing made her uncomfortable and anxious. It felt too morbid. Korekiyo seemed like the opposite sort of person. So that was what they meant, probably. That and nothing else.

The conversation had trickled off into nothing. It was nobody’s fault, but the silence made bad feelings start to prickle at the back of her mind again. Himiko sighed softly.

“I think I need some fresh air,” she said. 

“Would you like company?” they asked as she got to her feet. She nodded hesitantly, brushing the dust from her clothes.

“If you want. You don’t have to.”

“I don’t mind.”

So they took a walk around campus, wandering aimlessly in the damp, cold air. It wasn’t snowing, but it might as well have been, the very atmosphere cutting her to the bone. Her sweater was soft and warm, but not warm enough to be out on a day like this without a coat. Or gloves. After just a few minutes, her hands were reddened and numb with it. Things stayed quiet for awhile, until she broke it without fully meaning to.

“Does it bother you?” They’d reached one isolated edge of campus, sidewalk bordering on scraggly, dead grass, peppered with dirty snow. Himiko laced her fingers through the gaps in the chain link fence, squeezing hard. The pain distracted her from the embarrassment of what she just said.

Korekiyo just looked at her, brows furrowed. 

“Does what bother me?”

“Never mind. God. It’s stupid.” She sucked in a harsh breath, staring down at her sneakers and the cracked concrete beneath.

“I’m certain it isn’t.”

“Just...y’know. The fact that I can’t...” She waved her free hand in frustration, the other one still hanging onto the fence. “ _Do_ today. That I might never be able to. This...Valentine’s Day,” she continued, forcing out the name through gritted teeth. “People like it. It’s everywhere for a reason. It would bother some people. Not celebrating it. I know we’re not even... It would bother some people, that’s all.”

“No, it doesn’t bother me,” they said simply, like it was the easiest question in the world. “Holidays and other customs are fascinating to me, but they only have the meaning people give them. You forcing yourself through the motions of something that hurts you, or that you feel disregards the dead? That would bring me no joy at all.” They paused, and Himiko thought she could sense them smiling under the mask. “And there’s nothing wrong with White Day, is there? We could...combine the two, if you wish, and exchange gifts then.”

“Yeah?” she breathed, grip slackening. The implicit acknowledgement that there was some real form of romantic chemistry between them wasn’t even the most important part at the moment.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” A slight shiver ran down her spine, and they stepped a little closer, a spark of concern in their eyes.

“It’s cold. Do you want to go back inside?”

She shook her head, but closed the distance, wrapping her arms around them. They were cold too, she could tell. She felt bad for keeping them out in this weather. She wished she had real magic. Then she could cast a warming charm on them.

“Do you ever feel like you’re living the wrong life?” Himiko asked. “Like...you got switched with a version of you from a different timeline, and there’s all these other things you should be doing, in a universe where she’s still alive, but you’re stuck in the wrong place.”

“All the time,” Korekiyo said, and their voice was as unsteady as she’d ever heard it. “But right now, I’m happy to be here with you.”

She clutched them a little tighter, tears pricking at her eyes again and threatening to spill over. Affectionate tears though, this time. What had she done to deserve someone being so nice to her? She’d have to try extra hard to return the favor. Make sure they knew they could confide in her too.

“Me too. Not sure I’m in the mood to see everyone else though.”

“That’s alright. Going inside doesn’t have to mean going to class. We can go somewhere else,” they murmured. “Wherever you want.” 

“Anywhere we don’t have to deal with a bunch of ‘festive’ decorations would be a good start.” Her lips curled into a faint smile, and she pulled away just enough to meet their eyes. 

“Oh, I removed the banner in our classroom, by the way. Tore it to shreds.” Their face and voice were completely serious as they said that, and she couldn’t help but chuckle. The mental image was too much. The bright red and pink hearts, elegant lettering, all that their classmates worked hard on creating, ripped from the wall and stuffed in the trash. It was entirely out of character for someone like Korekiyo, who rarely allowed themself to visibly lose their temper.

“No, you didn’t,” Himiko said, amused.

“No, I didn’t,” they agreed. “But I can if you want me to.” She grabbed their hand, squeezing it gently, and shook her head. It was sweet enough that they offered. Spiting the others like that was unnecessary, no matter how tempting. She could just skip class for the day, like she’d already more or less decided on.

“It’s okay. Let’s just...go to your lab,” she suggested, knowing that they’d have about fifty different books and artifacts to tell her about, distracting her from the remnants of her gloomy thoughts.

They squeezed her hand in return. Before turning back toward the main building, they leaned down to press their masked lips to her temple in a sort of pseudo-kiss. The metal zipper against her skin was absolutely freezing, but she smiled all the same.

The sun was peeking out from behind a cloud, just a little. There were so many hours left in the day, but she was sure Korekiyo would spend every single one with her if she asked. They were there, solid and real at her side. Time ticked on. 

**Author's Note:**

> alrighty, a bunch of disjointed little notes:
> 
> i want korekiyo to hug me :(
> 
> rest assured, sister is an absolute piece of shit in every universe ever. himiko just isn't aware of that yet in this fic bc kiyo hasn't been emotionally vulnerable since they were born, so she assumes the basic situation of "losing a close family member/healthy and normal dynamic" is the same for both of them. yes, they're still a serial killer in this fic and she doesn't know that either. i left that vague on purpose tho bc it was beyond the scope of the fic. i Do kind of want to write a fic in a tdp au where himiko finds that out but that's for another day
> 
> one of the reasons i first fell in love with korekiyo as a character was the "how will you live a life that faces death?" speech bc goddamn it hit me so hard. death/grief is such an integral part of them and it meant a lot to me for dr to have a character that so openly carries around that trauma like a physical, palpable thing bc like...for a game series About death, it sure doesn't explore the aftereffects much. other aspects of korekiyo's specific trauma aside, losing an immediate family member young shapes who you are. as silly as it may sound, kiyo made me feel seen. idk. litcherally no one cares abt this whole lil monologue im doing here but it's just smth i appreciate. 
> 
> also feel like it's undervalued that basically that whole pre-execution speech was pretty much a one on one conversation w himiko where everyone else just happened to also be there, bc in almost all the post-trials, the person the blackened talks to most at that time (aside from the protag) is the most important to them but Oh You Know


End file.
